I am...

I have realized that the key to being healthy is not just being physically fit, it is also in being mentally fit. That means this year I am being selfish, at least that’s how I have realized many people are taking it. Part of me wants to scream and yell at them, but that’s a waste of my being, part of me wants to break it down for them, mostly I just apologize that I don’t fit their view and move on ß which I realize I do not have to do either, sometimes I am polite to a fault. Sometimes.

I love volunteering and being out in the community, not because I am comfortable being around people, or talking to people, but because when I am out volunteering that is me stepping off the ledge. To me this is equal to that person going parachuting for the first time ever. I have jumped, parachute on my back, no turning back now, and here I go full speed plummeting to the outside of my comfort zone, I will talk to people, I will engage, I will fly outside of my comfort zone, (stepping is too slow). My problem is I don’t know when to say no, I don’t know how to say I can’t. 

I need to work on this, I need to work on me. I am going to be cutting back on just jumping in head first, shouting "I can be at this hot dog stand all day and I will raise a million dollars!" When maybe just for once I want to be the one supporting the cause by buying the hot dog. Maybe for once I can put myself first, and realize I can not be everywhere, I can not live up to others expectations. I will not volunteer all my free time this year, I will not be the one left holding the bag, I will be that person who helps when asked, I will be that person who volunteers when I can and know I am emotionally and physically capable of giving my all. I will be that person who says no when I know I can't or don't want to do it.

I need to work on cultivating true lasting friendships, not just friendships who only keep me around because they know I can’t say no, not the ones that remember me only when they are in need, and definitely not the ones who only call around when it is convenient to them.  Relationships are messy, we all love, hate, get mad, get sad, disappoint and bring joy. It is about taking the ups with the downs and holding on for the long haul. It’s about growing up, dealing with feelings, understanding I am in control of how I feel, understanding it is ok to occasionally step back.

For me I need to overcome emotional barriers, I need to understand I can’t fix everyone and everything. I want so bad for everyone to get along, and to see the bright side of everything, to turn every situation into a positive, it doesn’t always occur to me that people sometimes just need to have that moment where they let go and say I am fucked, and need that person to just sit there and let them have it all out, sometimes people just need to commiserate and move on. I am working on that, yet I still can’t help but after moments of bull shit, sitting down and finding the positive, for me I have to. If I don’t find the positive then my brain sees no reason for the bad to have happened and that just doesn’t compute for me.

A resolution is a firm decision to do or not to do something. A decision is just that, something we decide to do, not something we can perfect on the first thought, a lot of us can’t anywise, but it gives us goals to strive toward, ways to be, ways to improve ourselves; Something we decide on a moment by moment basis whether we will follow through on. 

So while I know it is best to make little goals, and this is why New Year’s Resolutions are always so attractive, I decided to hell with that I am going to make new life resolutions.  I will continue to put my family first – that does not mean let them walk all over me. It does mean love them unconditionally, without strings, and stepping back and letting them find their own way.

I will continue to strive for a healthy body as a whole – this does not mean I have to have a “perfect weight, sex appeal, nose, belly, smile, etc” there is no such thing. We are all beautiful in our own unique ways, if everyone were the same life would be boring and monotone. I love rainbows, so I would that kind of world. Like when I wake up in the morning and my husband tells me I am beautiful, inwardly I laugh, and think, oh he doesn't have his glasses on, he doesn't see I am still in my pj's. He is not wrong, I am. I am beautiful, it is time I start seeing it in myself and let it shine through, and accept it when other people see it.

I will speak up and out when I see injustices, I will not use sarcasm to hurt people, I will be honest, because that’s what my friends deserve, honesty, honest feelings, honest thoughts, be them harsh or be them kind, if they are my friends I owe them nothing less, if they are strangers they deserve nothing more. The truth hurts sometimes, but lies always hurt, and leave lasting scars.

I will continue to leave my comfort zone and explore the world around me.

I will re-ignite the passions in my life for writing, photography, drawing, painting, creating!

I will continue to add to this list.

I will accept the beauty that I am. (This one I have a project going for that is helping me day by day, it has me stepping out of my comfort zone, and I love it because it scares me ß (More on this in another blog to come!)

The point of all this? Maybe I am just rambling, maybe I just want to give you some insight into me, and maybe, just maybe it will help someone else realize it is okay to just be who you are, and occasionally it is healthy to be selfish, we all need our own moments, they don’t always jump into my lap, so I create them, little moments where I love myself, and understand that loving myself helps me be a better person, and helps me love everyone more.