Empowerment

“The Beauty of Empowering others is that your own power is not diminished in the process.” ~Barbara Coloroso~

According to the dictionary the definition of the word empowerment is “to give power or authority to; to enable or permit. This is a powerful tool that can be used for both good and bad reasons. I’d like to say I always empower people around me for the better, but I know full well I have empowered people in the past to abuse the privilege.

I did not set out to get hurt, though maybe others would see this as just another self-destructive path I set off down, full well knowing what I was heading into. However, I like to concentrate on the times I have used my powers for good. The times I see as opportunities to pass it forward. I believe the world can always use more love, more positivity, and definitely better intentioned empowerment.  My goal is to continue to empower people to love themselves, love others and be the best person they can be, but that goal starts at home. My part in a roller derby league has helped me a long way in getting to the realization that I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

I am a constant work in progress and I believe while I need to work on me, I do not have to put others on hold to do so, I can continue to empower others to believe in themselves, while empowering myself. I am not saying this is easy; I have a bad habit of giving others power over me. I try to be more aware of doing it. However, I am human, and prone to mistakes, trying not to repeat history while finding myself in the middle of repeating it. When I allow others to affect me by their actions, moods, words, etc., I have unknowingly empowered those people to be able to affect my mood, decisions, and even my thoughts. When I let people alter my course because I am afraid of how it will make them feel, how they will react, and so forth that is a destructive pattern of empowerment. I am trying to stop that. And this is where all those beautiful little doubts come in and cloud my judgement and I start to rationalize that maybe it isn’t so bad after all, I mean if it has worked up until now why should it not continue to work with a few bumps here and there right?! The only thing I can do is realize I have the option to let the bullshit flow on by. As a friend tells me, and I may get this wrong, “If someone comes up and asks you to literally hold a pile of bullshit you do not have to hold it, you can say no.” So I have the option to just step over the bullshit, walk by it, tell the person, “No, I will not hold this bullshit for you.” But like I said I am working on that.

So while I am working on this, how can I use my powers for good? It can range anywhere from a simple smile when coming in contact with another person, to making sure they know I appreciate them, or let them know I see their potential, encouraging them to explore their talents. I have so many options, why waste them? I have found that sometimes all it takes is simple gratitude towards others. I try to make sure I thank my friends when they help me. I let them know how grateful I am for them. I can be talking to them about a problem I am having trying to make the perfect omelet or how a meteor just came and destroyed my life, simple gratitude goes a long way to making others aware of what a difference they make in my life. That is me giving my friends the power to affect my moods, course, or actions in a positive direction. I choose to believe it makes them feel good to know they are wanted and needed. I know I feel good when I am able to help someone out with anything, I feel empowered to help change the world for the better.

I believe we all can help empower others, in good ways. Giving others encouragement to pursue their dreams, being there to hold them up and help them face down their fears and self-doubts. I find encouragement, praise, and love go a lot further in empowering people to continue to strive to do what they want, to meet their goals, and to achieve their dreams.

Build-a-Mom Workshop

(My Kids and I)

 On Mother’s Day I was fortunate enough to have my two guys take me out for a day on the town, we went to the show, we went to my favorite Fish and Chips place, and got to wander around my favorite soap store. I did nothing I didn’t want to that day, and spent it relaxing, napping, taking pictures, and just getting to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. I was able to realize how fortunate I am that I could be afforded these luxuries, and reminded that not everyone has any sort of designated day off like this. For some, Mother’s Day is just another in a long line of days that seep into the other. I should know, I was one such mother who felt I could just not catch a break, even on Mother’s Day. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids, I would do anything for them, and I have, but as a Mom there are those days where you just need five minutes to yourself. Not five minutes of thinking about all you have to finish, and what time to start dinner, and the laundry should be done soon, or the kids want to go to the pool and there is five minutes to stop, but an actual, all to yourself, think of nothing but that quiet peaceful moment you are in. These moments are few and far in between for many mom’s. Now not to say Dads out there don’t get overwhelmed, and even share similar experiences, I just speak of my experience as a mom who always has a million things in the air and have had the recent luxury of being able to take time to myself to just do stuff that makes me happy. So back to the moment I realized I should be enjoying Mother’s Day, and realize how lucky I truly am.

(Angel daughter ;))

We went to an early showing of the new Captain America movie at the theatre. Our experience getting in was fine, got our popcorn and soda pop and found our seats were isolated from most of the crowd so that was nice. A minute or two before the show started a small troop of children came in with one parent, a hopeful looking mom. They all sat down with all the quietness children in a movie theatre with popcorn and candy bags can muster. My husband I gave each other the look of, “Here we go!” and I looked over at my son, I was so glad he is of an age that he knows how to come in and quietly take his seat and wait for the movie. The previews started and as usual there was hushed whispers still going on, but all in all it was a normal time at the movies. The movie started and about five minutes into it started the questions, the seat kicking, the bag openings, and the whispers of little ones who were in awe that their favorite super hero was on the screen. I found myself getting frustrated, thinking to myself, “Why of all days would this mother bring all these little kids with her to the theatre today?”, and “Seriously, doesn’t she realize this is a movie theatre where people go to enjoy themselves and watch movies, not listen to other people’s kids?”, and when the kid behind me got restless and kept kicking or bumping into my seat, I could not help but turn back, look at the kid, then glare at the mom, who was busy dealing with the kids who sat on the other side of her, no doubt trying to stop them from throwing popcorn at each other or some other mischievous act of child boredom. 

(Grumpy son)

Frustrated I looked back over at my kid, and thought, “I know he is older, but hot dang if my kid acted like this in a theatre I would take him home, I would never have brought him here in the first place knowing how this is the likely outcome of any outing… I would die of embarrassment, and I would never be able to go out again…never again be able to enjoy a show without fear of inconveniencing others, never again able to walk into a supermarket and not be judged because my kid is having a meltdown over the fact that he can’t use his harmonica right now,  go anywhere without feeling judged by these people who know nothing about me or what I am going through but are solely judging me on this one instance they see me ‘dealing’ with my kid in.”   

(My Mom and two of my brothers)

It was during this seemingly long, yet it took about 3 seconds, moment that I realized what an asshole I was. Not too long ago that mom was me. Not too many years back I was the one the angry glazes and judgmental looks were aimed at, in that moment I remembered what it was like to want to take my kids to the movies, and made them promise to behave with rewards like popcorn, and soda pop, only to be horrified when their young minds lost interest on what was happening on the screen, and would much rather crawl under the seats and pretend they were in a cave. Or the moments when they too wanted to understand everything going on, and would ask questions to better understand what was going on in the movie. It was in this brief moment that I realized this young mom is probably doing the best she can. Who am I sitting here in my movie theatre throne to judge her for this? Who am I to make her outing harder by casting mean glances in her direction when her young child is not the epitome of perfection? If anything I should support this fellow mother. I should smile at her when she apologizes for her kids being loud, or energetic. I should be able to convey with my attitude and even go so far as to not notice when her kid bumps into my chair, or kicks it on the side repeatedly, I feel in this small way I can help make her Mother’s Day pass a little more smoothly. To some this may seem a ridiculous act, only welcoming more people to come and be inconsiderate at the movies. To me, and I hope to this young mom, it is merely a kind act to lessen stress of yet another potentially embarrassing outing.

Now I could jump into a big long rant about expectations and society’s expectations being all screwy, and emphasis being put on all the wrong places for today’s youth, but I won’t, not today anyway. Today I want to remind myself to continue to be thankful for all I do have.

(Yeah, that's me)

After the movie theatre we headed down to Morro Bay to my favorite little fish place, Toganzzini’s Dockside Too, got to listen to an incredibly funny banjo player and enjoy my guys. I was able to walk down with my guys to the Babylonian Soap Co. – my favorite place to go and smell things and get new soaps and lotions – and I was able to make the guys stop in their tracks so I could capture moments with my camera. I know I would have enjoyed all these moments whether or not I had the experience I did at the theatre, but I like to think it made this experience all the more enjoyable. All the little things that may have annoyed me and put negativity into our trip seemed to give me more reasons to enjoy our outing. 

(My guys)

When we got to Toganzzini’s the line was not only out the door it was out the entrance to the patio, and there was no seating. I could not help but think, I could be home making lunch for everyone right now, dealing with the prep, the assembly, and the clean-up, I would much rather be standing out here in Morro Bay with the sun shining down on us, not having to make lunch or worry about the cleanup, or anything else. There were numerous instances like this throughout our trip that made me realize in every moment I am lucky to have what I have, and in who I have in my life.  I could have spent the day concentrating on all the little things that went “wrong” or I could stop and enjoy the day and bask in the knowledge that I have everything I need, a great family. Thanks to the struggling mom at the movie theatre for giving me a greater appreciation for what, and who, I have in my life. To make a long story short, let’s continue to work towards a world where we build each other up, rather than tear each other down.

The Women Who Stare At Floors

Recently I have begun to notice that I tend not to look people in the face when I speak to them. Another thing I am working on. I never really thought about this before, but when I took a step back and observed myself throughout a day I started to notice many times when I walk I look at the floor, when I talk to people I look past them or at their shoes. Shoes typically don’t hold any interest for me unless they are converse, or rainbow, or rainbow converse…I am getting off topic here. I wanted to know why I do this, and if there are other people that do this, and finally is there a way for me to overcome this?

So I went off in search of some answers, I am sure I can’t be the only odd duckling out there, right?! I visited many sites and got many of the same answers; the reason for little eye contact can range anywhere from social anxiety to being a creative person. Many of these reasons I found did confirm what I thought may be the main cause - social anxiety, but I could find no real resolution on how to correct it. Sure there are websites like succeedsocially.com that claim they can help you overcome this. I say claim because I have no facts to prove as such and leave it up to those interested in this to research it. Also the various sites I visited said one can possibly be trained to make regular eye contact but it may not solve the root issues. Also, not everything that is “on the line” is true.

One common thread I did find was people saying if they were just asked why they were not making eye contact it helped them open up about being uncomfortable around people, and helped them in that instance to have a less anxious encounter. Maybe this will work. My first thought was, “Why should I push it off to the person outside of myself to break the ice, and figure it out?” And then I realized it is because I am comfortable in my social anxiety, and this person possibly has not had much experience with such a unique creature as I. ;) Maybe, just maybe I will have to blurt out, "You being a person outside myself makes me nervous!" Ummm...maybe not.

The amazingness of the internet never ceases to amaze me, when you go looking you will find answers, maybe not all right, but answers none the less. So the answers I got were they could be due to my social anxiety ( I just call it being nervous to be amongst the humans), it could also be due to my heritage – the part I grew up knowing, and because I also am a very visual person.  So, as I have noticed it makes other people uncomfortable and while I do like to make sure other people are comfortable, in this instance I am not sure how to do this without also doing something bizarre, like instead of seeing if they have converse, engage them in the weirdest most awkwardest staring contest of all. Here I enter a conundrum. (Yes I did have to look up that word afterwards to make sure I used it correctly.)

Should I just do the   traditional fake it until I make it (I am cringing inside), do I continue down my path of making others feel uncomfortable and/or think I have a shoe fetish? Well since I am all about trying out new things (lately) and stepping outside my box of comfort I think I will go the first route. Who’s up for a good ole staring contest? 

There is so much beauty in people’s eyes, and eye wear that it is something that can be easily missed when I don’t bother to look at their eyes when they speak. I miss the laugh lines, the worry, and all the minute little details eyes tell about the people in whose head they are contained. It took a while but when I was finally able to look into my husband’s eyes (before he was my husband) I realized how beautiful they truly are, how they change with his moods, his clothing, and even the time of day. How much beauty have I been missing amongst my friends, acquaintances, and just anyone who has ever spoke to me? I don’t think I want to miss out on any more of the beauty that surrounds me every day.

I wish I could snap my fingers and just change it, but like everything this will be a lesson to learn, and that will take time, and patience on my part. First I start with being able to stare into the camera, without looking off to the side, or hiding behind anything. So if I am talking to you, or vice versa, and you are uncomfortable at the length of time I am staring at your shoes, maybe try saying, “Hey my eyes are up here!” Or if I am goading you into a staring contest you can always try the opposite, “Hey my shoes are down there!”

I am...

I have realized that the key to being healthy is not just being physically fit, it is also in being mentally fit. That means this year I am being selfish, at least that’s how I have realized many people are taking it. Part of me wants to scream and yell at them, but that’s a waste of my being, part of me wants to break it down for them, mostly I just apologize that I don’t fit their view and move on ß which I realize I do not have to do either, sometimes I am polite to a fault. Sometimes.

I love volunteering and being out in the community, not because I am comfortable being around people, or talking to people, but because when I am out volunteering that is me stepping off the ledge. To me this is equal to that person going parachuting for the first time ever. I have jumped, parachute on my back, no turning back now, and here I go full speed plummeting to the outside of my comfort zone, I will talk to people, I will engage, I will fly outside of my comfort zone, (stepping is too slow). My problem is I don’t know when to say no, I don’t know how to say I can’t. 

I need to work on this, I need to work on me. I am going to be cutting back on just jumping in head first, shouting "I can be at this hot dog stand all day and I will raise a million dollars!" When maybe just for once I want to be the one supporting the cause by buying the hot dog. Maybe for once I can put myself first, and realize I can not be everywhere, I can not live up to others expectations. I will not volunteer all my free time this year, I will not be the one left holding the bag, I will be that person who helps when asked, I will be that person who volunteers when I can and know I am emotionally and physically capable of giving my all. I will be that person who says no when I know I can't or don't want to do it.

I need to work on cultivating true lasting friendships, not just friendships who only keep me around because they know I can’t say no, not the ones that remember me only when they are in need, and definitely not the ones who only call around when it is convenient to them.  Relationships are messy, we all love, hate, get mad, get sad, disappoint and bring joy. It is about taking the ups with the downs and holding on for the long haul. It’s about growing up, dealing with feelings, understanding I am in control of how I feel, understanding it is ok to occasionally step back.

For me I need to overcome emotional barriers, I need to understand I can’t fix everyone and everything. I want so bad for everyone to get along, and to see the bright side of everything, to turn every situation into a positive, it doesn’t always occur to me that people sometimes just need to have that moment where they let go and say I am fucked, and need that person to just sit there and let them have it all out, sometimes people just need to commiserate and move on. I am working on that, yet I still can’t help but after moments of bull shit, sitting down and finding the positive, for me I have to. If I don’t find the positive then my brain sees no reason for the bad to have happened and that just doesn’t compute for me.

A resolution is a firm decision to do or not to do something. A decision is just that, something we decide to do, not something we can perfect on the first thought, a lot of us can’t anywise, but it gives us goals to strive toward, ways to be, ways to improve ourselves; Something we decide on a moment by moment basis whether we will follow through on. 

So while I know it is best to make little goals, and this is why New Year’s Resolutions are always so attractive, I decided to hell with that I am going to make new life resolutions.  I will continue to put my family first – that does not mean let them walk all over me. It does mean love them unconditionally, without strings, and stepping back and letting them find their own way.

I will continue to strive for a healthy body as a whole – this does not mean I have to have a “perfect weight, sex appeal, nose, belly, smile, etc” there is no such thing. We are all beautiful in our own unique ways, if everyone were the same life would be boring and monotone. I love rainbows, so I would that kind of world. Like when I wake up in the morning and my husband tells me I am beautiful, inwardly I laugh, and think, oh he doesn't have his glasses on, he doesn't see I am still in my pj's. He is not wrong, I am. I am beautiful, it is time I start seeing it in myself and let it shine through, and accept it when other people see it.

I will speak up and out when I see injustices, I will not use sarcasm to hurt people, I will be honest, because that’s what my friends deserve, honesty, honest feelings, honest thoughts, be them harsh or be them kind, if they are my friends I owe them nothing less, if they are strangers they deserve nothing more. The truth hurts sometimes, but lies always hurt, and leave lasting scars.

I will continue to leave my comfort zone and explore the world around me.

I will re-ignite the passions in my life for writing, photography, drawing, painting, creating!

I will continue to add to this list.

I will accept the beauty that I am. (This one I have a project going for that is helping me day by day, it has me stepping out of my comfort zone, and I love it because it scares me ß (More on this in another blog to come!)

The point of all this? Maybe I am just rambling, maybe I just want to give you some insight into me, and maybe, just maybe it will help someone else realize it is okay to just be who you are, and occasionally it is healthy to be selfish, we all need our own moments, they don’t always jump into my lap, so I create them, little moments where I love myself, and understand that loving myself helps me be a better person, and helps me love everyone more.